Words that are silenced, are lethal secrets to destroy your soul. Speak your truth. – Denise
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
I am a Survivor, and a daily overcomer to the pain I hid for 40 years. I found my voice and I am never turning back…I am No Longer Held Captive By My Childhood Secrets, but as I am evolving and healing I am realizing that I am No longer held captive by SO much more.
Speaking from a place of authenticity can be gut wrenching! But I keep writing and as I write it brings me healing. To write unapologetically & without shame brings me freedom.
I was sexually abused off and on by several people both male and female approximately between the ages of 4-12 years old and while I was on a date at age 14, I was raped in my high school parking lot.
As a teenager, I struggled with low self-esteem, and after I was raped, I developed an eating disorder, called bulimia. I used diet pills, laxatives and restricted my eating in order to try to control those things that I couldn’t control in my life. At school I was an overachieving people pleasing perfectionist, but away from school I was promiscuous and occasionally used alcohol and drugs to numb my pain. The sexual abuse caused me to live with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame.
I hid those terrible secrets for close to 40 years, and on April 5, 2012, my declared “Day of Emancipation”, I shared my childhood sexual abuse and rape story publicly on Ravens Closet Talk Show.
The many years of stuffing the unresolved childhood trauma took a toll on my physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health. It completely affected my life, including the ability to create healthy boundaries in the relationship with my husband.
Words like depression, anxiety, PTSD & chronic illness were common discussions with my Doctors. Currently, I am working through the healing process, layer by layer…one moment at a time with God and through Celebrate Recovery, a 12-step Christian Recovery Program.
Healing is a process, so be gentle with yourself, I’ve learned that isolating is NOT an option and reaching out for help is imperative. Always remember, you are not alone.
What the enemy tried to use to destroy me, God is using to give others hope. With God ALL things are possible…which includes walking through the journey of healing from the pain of childhood trauma, the pain of relationship betrayal and any type of pain which tries to keep me bound to things that don’t honor my freedom and peace.
Today, step by step, my life is being restored.
~ denise marie
My greatest joys are my husband, children, grandchild and my faith.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
I too am a survivor. I do not have a dedicated blog for it but I do occasionally do a post which touches it. http://mythoughtsonapage.com/2013/06/28/can-i-trust-him-with-my-child/ i wanted it to be known on my blog but as just another part of me not all of me. I have read a lot of your posts here and think you are doing a great job.
Thanks so much tric for dropping me this note. I really appreciate it. I just slipped over to your page too and certainly understand your fear. It’s hard for us to trust after our own trust has been so badly shattered. I’m glad you let your daughter go to her guitar lesson alone and yes, that was a big step for both of you. But if we’re forever paranoid about where they go, what’s happening etc., we slowly stifle them too with our own fear. It’s a huge risk we must take for their sakes. I think the most important thing is making sure your daughter can always talk openly with you, that she knows to come to you immediately if she’s made uncomfortable by a man or a woman. That will help her and you. I don’t know if you actually follow my blog at VIGALAND: COMING OUT FROM UNDER but I hope you do and if you ever feel like joining my private facebook group for survivors like yourself, that will help you a lot if you feel you still need it. Talking privately and freely with other victims/survivors is very therapeutic. Link to the private group is on the right hand side of my blog.
Hello Tric, Thank you for stopping by. Yes, at times it is really hard to really express how you feel. The fear of someone reading it who may actually know you in the “real world” can keep me from being free on my blog. (As you see, it took me a while to write again). This healing journey is truly a marathon and not a sprint. So glad we are able to connect and support each other. Thank again! And I will stop by your page. Hugs to you!
Dear Denise
I am most impressed by your blogs. Your beautiful and intelligent words. It’s like you’ve sought for gems and truth. Your video also moved me deeply. I would like to make something similar but address the pain of those who were abused by priests / people claiming to be big Christians because the latter was my experience and right now in Australia they are having the inquest into people abused by priests and clergymen and I feel I need to make a statement to those whom God calls to listen because I have walked through atheism, anger at God, disbelief at Christianity and anger at Christians who have more sympathy for the perpetrator than the victim. Who cover the truth and make no attempt to help the victim find healing. etc etc but all that does not represent God and I want to try and put something together.
Thank you so much Christine. Yes! Make your video and get your message out to the population of survivors/victims who have lived your experience. Your voice has to be heard. Your story will be an encouragement to so many!! Please keep me posted and feel free to email me! nolongerheldcaptive@gmail.com
Just found your blog via your video. A member of my Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER INCEST shared your video with us. Your message is the same as the one I espouse and promote via my own blog COMING OUT FROM UNDER. There are so many like us and it’s imperative that we tell what we’ve been keeping secret for too long. I support your efforts. I have shared your video to my page on incest at Facebook OUT FROM UNDER INCEST and will link to your blog from my own. If you wish to reciprocate by adding my blog to your roll, I’d appreciate that. We need to help each other spread the word.
Thank you so much! I agree, that it is imperative that we continue to tell our story and encourage others to no longer remain silent. The secret of childhood sexual abuse slowly kills the victim. For years I tried to live in denial of the truth, but I am no longer willing to allow the abuse to determine my future. Yes, I will promote your blog and follow your facebook group. If there is anything you need, please feel free to contact me. Denise
Thanks so much. I think I missed your reply here. I think you are now in our group … correct me if I’m wrong? Just slipped over here because of another reply and thought I should respond. Sorry I missed this.
Thank you for being STRONG enough to share! God has your back always!
Your spirit is amazing and by the grace of the Almighty God – he has indeed prepared you for a journey that will continue to change your life daily!
Thank you for sharing Denise. I think that each time someone shares what they have been through it helps to bring a little healing into the lives of others. I have started a group on fb for survivors and supporters to share and interact. If this is something that you would be interested in joining please let me know.
Moving, powerful, shocking, sad, heartbreaking. Your posts moved me. You overcome the enemy by the blood of the lamb and the word of your testimony. I love your writing and am standing with you believing for your complete healing and deliverance. You testimony will assist in the healing of others. God bless you!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comments and your encouragement. When I finally made the decision to talk about my past, I believe I am finally free from the shame and nightmare that tried to keep me in bondage. I haven’t written in a month and will be posting again soon. God Bless you as well!
No longer held captive 
This was a lovely blog posst
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Thank you so much!
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I too am a survivor. I do not have a dedicated blog for it but I do occasionally do a post which touches it. http://mythoughtsonapage.com/2013/06/28/can-i-trust-him-with-my-child/ i wanted it to be known on my blog but as just another part of me not all of me. I have read a lot of your posts here and think you are doing a great job.
LikeLike
Thanks so much tric for dropping me this note. I really appreciate it. I just slipped over to your page too and certainly understand your fear. It’s hard for us to trust after our own trust has been so badly shattered. I’m glad you let your daughter go to her guitar lesson alone and yes, that was a big step for both of you. But if we’re forever paranoid about where they go, what’s happening etc., we slowly stifle them too with our own fear. It’s a huge risk we must take for their sakes. I think the most important thing is making sure your daughter can always talk openly with you, that she knows to come to you immediately if she’s made uncomfortable by a man or a woman. That will help her and you. I don’t know if you actually follow my blog at VIGALAND: COMING OUT FROM UNDER but I hope you do and if you ever feel like joining my private facebook group for survivors like yourself, that will help you a lot if you feel you still need it. Talking privately and freely with other victims/survivors is very therapeutic. Link to the private group is on the right hand side of my blog.
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Hello Tric, Thank you for stopping by. Yes, at times it is really hard to really express how you feel. The fear of someone reading it who may actually know you in the “real world” can keep me from being free on my blog. (As you see, it took me a while to write again). This healing journey is truly a marathon and not a sprint. So glad we are able to connect and support each other. Thank again! And I will stop by your page. Hugs to you!
LikeLike
Dear Denise
I am most impressed by your blogs. Your beautiful and intelligent words. It’s like you’ve sought for gems and truth. Your video also moved me deeply. I would like to make something similar but address the pain of those who were abused by priests / people claiming to be big Christians because the latter was my experience and right now in Australia they are having the inquest into people abused by priests and clergymen and I feel I need to make a statement to those whom God calls to listen because I have walked through atheism, anger at God, disbelief at Christianity and anger at Christians who have more sympathy for the perpetrator than the victim. Who cover the truth and make no attempt to help the victim find healing. etc etc but all that does not represent God and I want to try and put something together.
LikeLike
Thank you so much Christine. Yes! Make your video and get your message out to the population of survivors/victims who have lived your experience. Your voice has to be heard. Your story will be an encouragement to so many!! Please keep me posted and feel free to email me! nolongerheldcaptive@gmail.com
LikeLike
Just found your blog via your video. A member of my Facebook group, SPEAK OUT FROM UNDER INCEST shared your video with us. Your message is the same as the one I espouse and promote via my own blog COMING OUT FROM UNDER. There are so many like us and it’s imperative that we tell what we’ve been keeping secret for too long. I support your efforts. I have shared your video to my page on incest at Facebook OUT FROM UNDER INCEST and will link to your blog from my own. If you wish to reciprocate by adding my blog to your roll, I’d appreciate that. We need to help each other spread the word.
Viga
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Hello Viga,
Thank you so much! I agree, that it is imperative that we continue to tell our story and encourage others to no longer remain silent. The secret of childhood sexual abuse slowly kills the victim. For years I tried to live in denial of the truth, but I am no longer willing to allow the abuse to determine my future. Yes, I will promote your blog and follow your facebook group. If there is anything you need, please feel free to contact me. Denise
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Thanks so much. I think I missed your reply here. I think you are now in our group … correct me if I’m wrong? Just slipped over here because of another reply and thought I should respond. Sorry I missed this.
LikeLike
Thank you for being STRONG enough to share! God has your back always!
Your spirit is amazing and by the grace of the Almighty God – he has indeed prepared you for a journey that will continue to change your life daily!
Peae and Many Blessings….
V
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I’ve nominated you for the inspiring blogger award. you can pick up your award here: http://thejourneyofmyhealing.wordpress.com/2012/08/01/a-bright-spot-in-my-day/
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Thank you for sharing Denise. I think that each time someone shares what they have been through it helps to bring a little healing into the lives of others. I have started a group on fb for survivors and supporters to share and interact. If this is something that you would be interested in joining please let me know.
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Yes, I would love to be part of your FB group. Please feel free to email me at bnewvision@gmail.com. Thanks!!
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So happy you are back! 🙂
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Thank you so much, hearing this means a lot!!
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Moving, powerful, shocking, sad, heartbreaking. Your posts moved me. You overcome the enemy by the blood of the lamb and the word of your testimony. I love your writing and am standing with you believing for your complete healing and deliverance. You testimony will assist in the healing of others. God bless you!
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Hi Arlene,
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comments and your encouragement. When I finally made the decision to talk about my past, I believe I am finally free from the shame and nightmare that tried to keep me in bondage. I haven’t written in a month and will be posting again soon. God Bless you as well!
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