To Be Held..

Sexual Abuse tried to overshadow the happy events of my childhood. I happily look back at the quiet times that my Mom and I shared, the following self expression warms my heart.

Positioned perfectly, I laid my head upon her lap.

With the gentle touch of sweeping motions,  she slowly brushed the palm of her hand on my hair.

Love, protection and safety reign as I rest in my Mother’s arms.

I embrace this memory of those perfect moments. The ultimate need and desire to be Held.

By being sexually abused, the personal boundaries and clear knowledge of “good” and “bad” touch, became a blur. Every touch, unwanted or wanted, became acceptable. My desire to be held, became a great need in my life.

As a teenager I dated many different guys. To be honest, I don’t even remember how many “intimate relationships” were encountered. I longed for the attention from the opposite sex. This longing took me places that as an adult I couldn’t imagine going, it led me to experiences that completely devalued my self-worth.

The emptiness I was trying to fill with each partner only lead to heartache and depression. I was never satisfied. It wasn’t about the sex, it was about filling the void in my heart.

Today, as I face the brokeness of my past, I am learning how to put my trust in God. I am allowing Him to open each chamber of my heart and fill the void with true joy, peace and love. With every step, He…is Holding Me.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. nikky44 says:

    “It wasn’t about the sex, it was about filling the void in my heart.”
    That’s so true. because of sexual abuse, I reacted the opposite and have been completely refusing any intimate relationship. Then I met my husband, and it happened. As the void in my heart is growing bigger, I am being distant with me, and can’t get physically close at all

  2. bnewvision says:

    I am so sorry Nikky. I know it is difficult, and not a quick fix. But keep moving forward in your healing, I Believe with you! Hugs!

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