From this day forth, I strive to tell the
- Authentic “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character”
- Unadulterated ”not diluted or made impure”
- Truth “a verified or indisputable fact”
Of, My story about being sexually molested as a child and raped as a teenager.
Over the years, I learned how to mask the hurt, pain and turmoil. As of yet, I have not shared my story with some of my closest friends or many of my family members. Some may say, I am the ultimate actress in this role I call, My Life. Yes, in order to cope, I had to seperate myself from the little girl who was abused. But at 42 years of age, those acts of violation againgst me, affected who I was, and held me back from who God truly inteded for me to be. It was time for me to heal.
In this journey, I use the following statement of truth to remind myself of who I am and who I have become, “I am beautifully created, smart and funny. I take pride in being a great Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Friend. I am a professional woman who is Loved and Respected. People want to be around me because they like me, and not because they want to use my body for their pleasure”. The affirmations and declarations I use are an imperative part of my healing.
Reading and writing poetry has always been one of my passions, in Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” poem, there is a section that says, “Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries”. It goes on to say, Still…I Rise, I Rise, I Rise“.
The abusers may have tried to break me, by unknowingly keeping me in a lifetime of bondage to the “hidden” parts of my life. When I release those secrets, I allow myself to feel the deep pain caused by the abuse. In the privacy of my home, normally in my room, I reflect on the abuse. The overwhelming feeling of heartache consumes me and has caused me to fall to the ground, roll up in a ball, and lay there in a fetal position. The amount of pain that I carry in my soul can be debilitating. (when reflecting on the pain, always make sure you have a support system nearby, for your safety)
In those moments, I cry out to God and hold onto my Faith. He helps me to Rise with Strength and with Power to overcome the hurt, guilt, shame and depression. The following video is of Whitney Houston singing, “I Look to You”. It is a powerful song that depicts the ultimate need for Grace, Love and Acceptance that I’ve learned can only be fulfilled by my relationship with God.
As I move forward in this Healing Journey, I will always continue to Look To You, which comes my help.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©