The Dirty Little Secret..

Secrets……..

During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away.  He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.

People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.

No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.

With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.

The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.

Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.

This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.

To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.

God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.

Today, I hold onto this Truth:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. Bird says:

    Denise,

    I, too, was sexually abused. I am glad to see another person that understands. I hold on to that same scripture. Thank you for sharing.

    Bird

    1. bnewvision says:

      Hello Bird,
      Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Yes, it is liberating to share my story and/or thoughts. There are so many of “us” out here. Keep the Faith & Stay encouraged! Blessings to you!

      1. Bird says:

        I will, and you keep your chin up too!

  2. nikky44 says:

    “No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong?”
    That sentence says it all.

    If only someone cared enough to look in our eyes, if only someone wanted to know the truth 😦
    You are strong, keep going, keep writing

    1. bnewvision says:

      Thank you Nikky44!

  3. There is truth in the saying, “Eyes are the windows to the soul.” It is a strange awakening when one looks at the pictures of a time that once was and recognizes their own heart breaking and screaming for help, while those closest to us, stood blindly around.

    You are on the right path, sharing and letting God in. Keep moving forward and remember always …

    We are not alone. Not yesterday, not today and never tomorrow.

    1. bnewvision says:

      When I look at those pictures from that time in my childhood. It really is hard to look at her. I tend to disassociate myself from my own picture, as if I am looking at someone else. I looked so unhappy. It breaks my heart.

  4. Disassociation is normal with the most traumatic of experiences. We have to mourn for that person we were and learn to love them with all we have. Once more, it is a journey. Patience, understanding and love for yourself, most especially forgiveness, is needed. You are there, be gentle with yourself. You are healing and on the right path.

    We are not alone. Not yesterday, not today and never tomorrow.

    1. bnewvision says:

      Thank you so much for your words. They speak volumes to me and I really appreciate your insight!

  5. I’ve :shared this on my blog. Poetry has helped me to heal as well. I will be posting some of the poetry I wrote during my healing. I would love to hear your thoughts.

    I agree with Michelle. You are not alone on this journey, no matter how you may feel from day to day. We are here, and willing to listen & help.

    I’ve been walking this journey since I turned 38 (12 yrs ago). It’s a process. One that you take day by day, step by step.

    Jer. 29:11 is one of the scriptures that led my life…Isaiah 61:1-4 is another.

    Blessings to you, and feel free to contact me anytime!

    1. bnewvision says:

      Thank you so much! I will stop by your blog as well. Jer. 29:11 was also one of the scriptures that helped me to hold on, when the pain was or still is too much to bear. I applaud you for facing your past and no longer allowing it to keep you in bondage. I know it is not easy and yes, I agree, it is a day by day, step by step process. Those days when I am struggling, I also read Psalms 91 and hold onto the truth that if I dwell in the shelter of the most high God and rest in the shadow of the almighty, that He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust. It goes onto to say that he will save me from the fowler’s snare and He will cover me. So when I face my past and fear tries to take over, I remember that He is with me and that he will protect me. Isn’t God amazing? Man..He Loves us SOOO Much!

      1. Amen! Everything you have said, I have held on to myself. God is good all the time…and He has made me overcome the trauma of my past through Jesus Christ. I couldn’t have done it without Him.

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