To find the Beauty..

When I began writing my blog, I felt liberated, excited, and empowered. But I soon noticed that those feelings of “bliss” quickly turned into a bit of anxiety, a bit of depression and alot of down right crankiness! I was wondering, what is wrong with me. Come on Denise, shake it off, work thru the pain and get back to writing. I felt like the little girl all over again, and I truly found myself afraid. Not afraid of my abuser, but just simply afraid. I just could not pull myself to tap into that “dark” time in my life and share my story. Yes, I could have posted one of my previously written poems. But I felt like I needed to wait until I was ready to write again.

The Webster’s Dictionary defines the meaning of Death as: “The End or Extinction of Something” and the meaning of Alive as:”Still existing, continuing, or functioning”.

I recently attended a funeral of a loved one. Throughout the service, I found my mind drifting as I looked around the room at all of the people who were in attendance. How many of them have carried childhood secrets?  How many of them will carry this secret to their grave?  I than focused my attention to the deceased loved one, sleeping peacefully in the casket…Inside I heard myself scream…..I am ALIVE!  And at that point, the cloud of heaviness lifted and I found a new determination to continue writing.

The determination is to Find The Beauty….

While walking in my courtyard at work, I noticed, a single flower in the midst of a bare bush.  It was more than just a flower..it was lively, with rich, vibrant colorful petals that completly captivated me. I have walked past that bush for years, but on this particular day, I feel like God was telling me, you are like that flower. There is beauty in the challenge, you may not see the result in that moment, but perserver and just like that flower, your beauty will blossom. So today, I am holding onto this promise and pushing thru the pain, to “see” the Beauty.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. nikky44 says:

    That is so sad and so beautiful at the same time. I can relate, but I guess I’m not ready yet to see the beauty. I feel a prisoner of the present. I can ignore the past but how can I ignore today?

  2. bnewvision says:

    Hello nikky44, Thank you for your comment. I completly understand what you are feeling. I recently read a title of a book that said “It’s OK..to NOT BE OK.. RIght Now”. And that is how I can best describe the roller coaster emotioal state that I tend to be in. There are good days and not so good days, but I in the midst of this healing journey, I hold onto this Truth in the Book of Psalm 91, I read this chapter almost daily, “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord., He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. The rest of the scripture explains how God is my protection. And with that knowledge I hold onto Hope.

    1. nikky44 says:

      Thank you very much Denise for your reply. I loved the title of this book. It is certainly very interesting. It’s true that I always blame myself for not being okay, and that increases the guilt feeling and the pain. Prayers are the best Remedy, you are right. ❤

  3. bnewvision says:

    Hi niikky44,
    I looked up the reviews on the book and I am going to order it, http://www.itsoknottobeok.com .
    I believe we have to give ourselves the power and permission to feel what we’ve been feeling and yet, continue on our healing journey. Stay encouraged and just know that you are moving towards complete healing and wholeness! Hugs to you!!

  4. Awesome! Your are that beautiful vibrant flower. Loving your Journey. Res

    1. bnewvision says:

      Thank you so much Res. I really appreciate your comments!

  5. What an encouraging message for everyone to hear! Thank you for sharing!

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